Gym Rules
These are the Gym Rules. Period. The reason there aren’t more is that we’ve thought of them all. They’re posted here for you to read and obey. If you disobey the Gym Rules you will be barred from the premises. It’s that simple, people.
1. Talk to each other. You’re here for a social outlet first, health second. Do you think we built this huge building and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on equipment and staff salaries for you to actually work out and get in shape? The answer to this should be obvious. If you are here for less than two hours a day, you’re wasting both our time.
2. Talking should be done loudly. Very loudly. If you have something to say to someone else, it is probably important enough for everyone within earshot to hear. This especially goes for comments on subjects such as what you did last night, what kind of new SUV you’re thinking of buying, news, politics, and personal information about you and your friends (especially juicy gossip about your sexual conquests, and mysterious diseases).
3. We know you know the proper technique for every excercise ever known to humans; make sure you tell everyone who’s not working out correctly what they’re doing wrong. Please remember to emphasize important technical basics like “locking elbows,” “jerking heavy weights,” “partial reps,” “long rest periods.”
4. Make sure you rest long enough between sets. Five minutes or more is an acceptable length. If you only rest 60-90 seconds you’re going to get tired. You don’t want that do you? (See Rule #1.)
5. Please wear proper clothing. Spandex is still made for a reason, people. Show off that body! Come on, modesty is for the Amish.
6. In the locker rooms please remember: Nudity Is Key. The locker room is separate from the rest of the building so that you will have a place to unburden yourselves of those clothes. Take advantage of this special haven. Walk around. Weigh yourself. Watch TV. Start up a conversation with a stranger. Your entire process of brushing your teeth, blow drying and brushing your hair, shaving, cutting your fingernails, trimming body hair, going to the toilet, looking in the mirror at yourself without purpose, folding and arranging your clothes by color (or alphabetically!), and calling home to check on the family can be done naked. You don’t need clothes on until you are absolutely certain you are ready to leave the locker room. (Helpful Hint: If you are leaving the locker room and run into someone you need to talk to, why not just take your clothes off again for that conversation? Who knows how long you could be there.)
7. While working out please make the proper noises. Men should grunt loudly, even yelling when necessary. Women should basically sound like pornstars in mid-coitus. Remember, this is your space: it is impossible for you to be too loud. This just cannot be stressed enough.
8. Men: throw those weights down when finished using them. They’re made of metal. They’re not going to break. Come on, don’t be a weenie.
9. Women: while performing excercise repetitions look around the room, see what’s going on, talk to someone (refer to Rule #1). Whatever you do, don’t strain (refer to Rule 4).
10. Sauna. Steam Room. Whirlpool. (See Rules #1, 2, 4, and 6)
11. Men: put as much weight on that barbell as you can possibly lift. You only have to lift it once, and you’ll look good. (Bulging veins look good too.) (See Rules #3, 4, and 7.)
12. Women: jewelry (espcially large hoop earrings) and makeup should be worn while working out. This may seem antithetical to Rules 5 and 6, but it’s not.
13. A note on aerobics classes: don’t worry about what time the class starts or what the other people are doing, just get there and do your own thing--we’re all moving here, people. (See Rules #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, and 12)
14. Think of the water fountain as your own personal bird bath. That sweaty head of yours isn’t going to clean itself, silly! And hey, if you can leave a large mucousy phlegm nugget in the water fountain drain when you leave, the next person will really appreciate and enjoy it. Trust us on this one.
15. Mark your territory with your sweat. Think of your sweat as little pools of “liquid gold” that you can leave as a treasure for other members to find.
16. Workout routines are for body builders and professional athletes. Just walk around. You’ll find something heavy to pick up. (See Rules #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 11, and 12)
17. Mirrors. Need we say more?
posted by Josh at 10:51:00 PM
